TP

Probably the most useful and versatile item for the average inmate is toilet paper. Besides its more mundane uses as butt-wiper and nose-juice receptacle, innovative inmates take advantage of its abundance (every inmate at my former institution is issued two rolls of toilet paper per week) and find numerous creative ways to put it to use.

In a formula unknown to me, inmates are able to combine toilet paper, toothpaste, water and possibly other ingredients to make what I call penitentiary papier-mache. While soft and moldable when wet, the conglomeration dries rock hard. One inmate made a full-size Kentucky Wildcat out of the stuff then painted it with dilutions of coffee. I've seen fairly elaborate chess sets made out of the same mixture. For those inmates not inclined to arts and crafts, the same substance makes a dandy knife handle. I've seen more than one made with custom finger grips. While I write this I'm wondering why I've never seen someone make a fake gun out of the stuff.

Most county jails are now smoke-free facilities. Of course this doesn't stop the inmates from smoking. It just means cigarettes are harder to come by; and expensive. At the smoke-free institutions, matches are as rare and expensive as the tobacco. So another use for toilet paper was invented: fire-starter. All that is needed is some toilet paper and a pencil. One end of a square of toilet paper is torn into thin strips and the lead from the pencil is removed by any means available. A piece of the pencil lead about and inch long is inserted into one side of an electric outlet. Another similar piece is inserted into the other side of the outlet. Then a third piece is arced across the other two, creating a spark, which is caught on the shredded toilet paper, creating a small fire. A tightly rolled piece of toilet paper is then lit from the first piece and Voila! the inmate can light his contraband cigarette. When tobacco is scarce, dried spinach or dried greens of any kind can be rolled in, you guessed it, toilet paper and smoked.

At my former institution inmates were allowed to have quart-sized electric "Hot Pots" for heating water for coffee, tea, etc. Some used them to heat up cans of soup, ravioli and other foodstuffs available for sale at the inmate canteen. One inmate even tried frying up a hamburger stolen from the kitchen on the bottom of his "Hot Pot." At a large regional jail in the area, all of the "Hot Pots" were confiscated after one inmate emptied a couple jars of Vaseline in his "Hot Pot" and threw the boiling oil on a passing officer with which he had had an earlier disagreement. The inmates at that institution had to figure out a way to heat up water for their coffee. Once again, toilet paper came to the rescue.

Take some toilet paper and wrap it around your hand about twenty times, give or take. Take that toilet paper and fold and roll in the edges until you end up with a tight "donut" of toilet paper about three inches in diameter, an inch tall, and about 3/4 of an inch thick. The inmates would then set the "donut" on the rim of their stainless steel toilet and light the donut on fire. Depending on how tightly the "donut" is made, it could burn for 15 to 20 minutes and heat up to four soda cans full of water. Amazingly, the toilet paper "donut" burns virtually smoke free until it is put out. If "the man" comes around, the inmate could just sweep the burning "donut" into the toilet and give it a quick flush. Evidence gone.

There is only one problem with the "donut" hot water heater and an impatient inmate discovered it painfully. In a dormitory style cell, the eight residents were heating up some morning coffee. The first "donut" burned and smoldered for about twenty minutes, allowing four of the inmates to heat up some water. Then a second "donut" was lit and the remaining inmates heated their water. When the last of the water was heated, an inmate, feeling the call of nature, went to the toilet and swept the still smoldering donut into the toilet saying, "About time!" He promptly dropped his drawers and sat down on the toilet, burning a nice ring on his posterior; stainless steel being a wonderful conductor of heat.